John Gottman is one of the foremost marriage and relationship experts in the United States. He developed a model of understanding what breaks relationships apart similar to the religoius Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. His four horseman are negative communication patterns that he identified as highly predictive of relationship breakdown.
What are the Four Horseman?
Criticism
Criticizing your partner’s character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue. Criticism often involves making global attacks on the person’s character, which can be damaging to the relationship.
Contempt
Expressing disdain, disrespect, or superiority towards your partner. Contempt can manifest through sarcasm, insults, mockery, eye-rolling, or hostile humor. It is the most toxic of the four horsemen and is strongly correlated with relationship dissatisfaction and divorce.
Defensiveness
Responding to criticism or perceived attacks with defensiveness, excuses, or counter-attacks. Defensiveness prevents constructive communication and problem-solving by shifting blame and avoiding responsibility.
Stonewalling
Withdrawing from communication or shutting down emotionally in response to conflict or stress. Stonewalling involves disengaging from the conversation, avoiding eye contact, and refusing to respond to attempts at communication. It can leave the other partner feeling frustrated.
Antidotes to the Four Horsemen
Gentle Start-Up
Instead of criticizing your partner’s character or personality, address specific behaviors or issues using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. Approach the conversation gently and respectfully.
Build a Culture of Appreciation
Counteract contempt by cultivating apprectiation and respect in your relationship. Express gratitude, admiration, and fondness for your partner regularly, and make an effort to notice and acknowledge their positive qualities and contributions.
Take Responsibility
Instead of becoming defensive in response to criticism or conflict, take responsibility for your part in the situation. Acknowledge your partner’s concerns, validate their feelings, and express empathy. Focus on finding solutions together rather than assigning blame.
Physiological Self-Soothing
Combat stonewalling by practicing self soothing techniques to manage your physiological arousal during conflicts. Take a break if necessary to calm down and regulate your emotions. Return to the conversation when in control and able to have productive conversation. Communicate the intent to return if you do take a break.